I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
