Your dad touched me again.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
