Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
