I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
