I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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