I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
