you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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