I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
