Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
