i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
third nipple confirmed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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