my phone needs a breathalizer
People in love make me want to vomit
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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