this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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