I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Randomize
