U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
