didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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