Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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