you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
