I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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