I want to stick my p in your. b.
This is not my ceiling
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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