Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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