I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
