How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
