i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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