im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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