Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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