i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
