this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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