ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Floor bacon is actually really good
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
