This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
