Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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