There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I deserve this hangover.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
