Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
