Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
