I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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