At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
