The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
