I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
