What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
