Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
