Betty ford says i'm here all night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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