Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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