just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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