Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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