wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
