This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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