You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
