I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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