you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
They are going to name an STD after you.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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