Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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