Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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